I really feel upset and I don't really know what to do anymore. (*insert deep sigh here) I wanna keep the good vibes in my system that's why I am trying my very best not to rant on my social media accounts about what I feel. You know the feeling of, bakit? bat ganon? ano ba? ugh! I am really upset. As in U-P-S-E-T! Big time!
It has something to do with my 2016 Bucket List. I am really hoping and praying that I can do all of them but seems like it will not happen. As in, walang pang 24 hours since I posted the entry may isa na agad na parang ang labong matupad!
Last night of April 4, David and I had this rare time ( Rare kasi, madalang nalang talaga kaming mag chat ngayon) to have a little chitchat on facebook messenger. He told me he already heard the last song I dedicate to him. Eh sa marami talaga akong arte, may "letting go" song pa talaga ako sa kanya. "Have You Ever" by S Club 7. The song is a bit old but the first time I heard it parang, alam nyo yun? Yung feeling na ako 'to eh. Ganitong ganito ako! I was the one who broke up with David, nasabi ko naman dati pa di ba? I was the one who left him first. I was the one who regret breaking up with him. Pero ano lang ba yung lahat ng nagawa ko sa sakit na naging kapalit non? Waley na waley promise!
So ito na nga. David had read my blog entry about my Bucket List 2016. He told me, "You need a proper closure right?" and I answered him, "ready ka na bang ibigay yon?" he replied, " Siguro. Pero hindi ko alam kung pano.". Since we are both clueless on how to have a proper closure, I suggested, we write each other a letter then, read it together but he hardly agreed. Hindi daw kasi sya sanay, ang awkward daw. Ugh! I know its awkward and I know that he's not into writing of letters pero talagang hindi din nya naisip na awkward din sakin yon? He probably thinks that I suggested the letter writing 'thingy' because he know that writing a letter is just a piece of cake for me. I admit, I am fond of writing letters. I am better on that than saying my thoughts verbally. I can easily say anything and everything I feel for someone in one letter. Pero hindi din ba sumagi sa isip nya na iba sya? I mean, writing a letter for a friend is more easier than writing a letter for someone who gave so much to feel in your past.
Nakakainis talaga eh. Kahit ayokong mainis dahil .... ayoko nga kasing mainis pero pinipilit nya kong mainis! Peste ka----! Sarap mong krompalin ng walang humpay ha... ..! Akala ko pa naman ready kanang ...... ..! yun pala mas ready pa ko sayo! ..... ..!
See? Kaya ayaw kong mag rant sa social media accounts ko about it dahil hindi talaga maganda ang kalalabasan non promise! cursing is bad and I really feel bad because I am used to it. Hindi ko talaga sya mapigilan specially when Im mad or when I am too happy laughing and enjoying my Barkada's company. We keep on throwing bad words to each other between our convos. Oh well, normal people curse and me and my friends are just like the other normal people. Ewan ang hirap I explain! But Im trying my best not to or lessen that kind of habit, its just that ugh... Hindi ko namamalayan minsan kaya hindi ko napipigilan.
So going back, after David told me that he cant do it by letter, I told him its okay though I really felt sad that time. I console myself that maybe, he's not yet ready to have the closure so I dont have o be sad and after April, 2016 still have 8 more months. Who knows by december ready na sya? Di ba? Can someone say 'oo nga naman' please? Oh, he suggested to tell everything nalang via chat anyway but I disagreed. I dont get it why all of a sudden he's making it hard for us to have this long-time-overdue 'closure'. Yeah its awkward I know, kahit naman sakin ay awkward yon pero dahil kailangan ko yon para sa sarili ko, willing akong gawin. Bakit sya hindi nya maisip yon? 'Bakit ba ang hirap para sayong gawin ang isang bagay na dapat noon mo pa ginawa?'
A closure is not just like typing a certain lyrics of your favorite song in the chat box anyway. It is more than what others think it is. Its not as easy as copy paste. :(
Nalulungkot talaga ako. But still I wanna keep things positive. Good Vibes lang. :) I have a long list for 2016 anyway, pwede ko namang magawa pa yung iba.
PS: Even David didnt like the idea, I still wrote a closure letter for him though I dont have any plan to give it to him.
-The Upset Niki :(
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