You know me better

Hi! Its been awhile since I post an entry. Tonight is not different from the other night that I didnt have time to post but, while Im on my way hime lately, from Manila to Pampanga, I am having these thoughts about my bestfriend. Maybe because at times like this, I know that no matter how petty nor serious the circumstances is, I have her. I can tell her. I cry to her. So, I dont want to let this pass.

I am feeling so upset since yesterday night, to the extent that I cried because I am 'deeply' sad, mad and I guess, Angry. I wont say the reason why though. As I am contemplating things in my mind last night, I sent my bestfriend (Eunice) a text message because she has this thing that can make me calm everytime. I asked her first if I can sleep in her bed and she replied, 'oo naman, dyan ka muna.' I didnt told her anything yet but I dont know why she automatically asked, 'Nak, are you okay?' ( we fondly call each other 'Nak' since the day we first met  college. ). I asked her somethings that I know, she knew better about me. She knew me more than my other bestfriends do. Again, she knew the right words to say.

I posted an entry here about her way way back, and I am posting this entry again for her because I suddenly feel the need to. 

Things arent gone so smooth in our friendship for the past month. We had issues and misunderstndings. We barely talk and see each other even though we are working in the same company and living in the same place. We argue. I say mean things to you. We fixed things. And we are trying to make the friendship we have better though there are times that I really feel that we are indeed slipping away.

Later this after noon, and after reading that chats countless of time today, I texted her and told her about what upsets me. (she's like that, if I am not ready to tell things to her, she wont barged me, she'll wait till I am ready to tell her.) My eyes got teary and I sniffed a couple of times while composing my text message to her. I felt so worked up with so much thoughts of 'what and whys'. Again, she knows the right words to make me calm. 

My bestfriend is far from perfect. She really is annoying specially his past few months. I got really mad at her sometimes. But just like the old times, she stands firm on the friendship we built together way back in college.

Eunice, I know I am hard to handle 95% all the time. I am moody and brat and everything else in between but I didnt hear you complain a bit. Maybe, you know that I am like that even before we call each other bestfriends. I got mad at you without reason, I got annoyed at you, I bashed you, I tell things to you straight to the point even I know sometimes it will hurt you, and Im sorry for that. Lately, when I saw you, I really wanted to hug you and cry and tell you how upset and hurt I am. Because I know, you will understand. I know you can make me feel better. I miss those times when we were in College and we are living in a dormitory, I am nursing a brokenheart that time. No matter how busy you are with your dinner (you favorite part of the night, dinner time.) you will still go to the room and leave your food behind when you heard me cry. Sit nor lay beside me and comfort me. 

We are not the same clingy and inseparable bestfriends that we used to be. We are indeed growing apart having our new set of friends and bestfriends. But I want you to know that, I love you just the same. And that I am greatful to have you. And that, no matter how mad I can get, how annoying you can be, you will always be special to me. Thank you for not letting go of my hand even I am too much to handle at times. 

And just like what you said, I shouldnt minding what people will tell about me. And I come to realized, yet again, that you are right. I shouldnt care what they think of me over circumstances, as long as I know myself. Thank you for lifting me when I am down to nothing but my insecurities. I dont care what people will think of me, I should stop thinking about that, because I know that there is someone who know 'me' better and that is you. I love you time one hundred! 😘😇

-Niki 😊

It felt normal and fun..

Hello there!

It’s November 16 to day and I don’t have any plans to do- yet. Mama woke me u early lately to look over the viand she’s cooking. I’m betting bored and I need to do something to ease this thing ugh!  Syempre hindi nako sanay ng ganito, pahinga pahinga lang! Id only I can go to the mall every single day of this suspension thingy, I would do so!

Yesterday I got there actually. I arrived around past 3pm and got myself a venti cup of Caffe’ Mocha, its not my usual but I just want to, for a change. I waited for David and he arrived around 4pm.

Yes, I am with Davis yesterday. We walked around the mall and talked random things. I don’t know why, all of a sudden we’re so comfortable with each other. What I mean is, date kasi parang ang awkward. Err, I suddenly realized that I am right all along. That the two of us are better off friends. We spent one hour at the videoke hub and sang random songs. And then again, I find it weird thou hindi ko alam kung bakit eh. There is this one song I made him sing, ‘All or Nothing’ by O-Town. While he sing, I was actually singing with him without a mic. Basta sinasabayan ko lang sya kasi feeling ko talaga ah, ayaw sakin ng Mic! Feeling ko sinasabotahe ako ng Mic sa mga videokehan eh. Going back, while singing, I realized that, that song is kinda fitting in in our past. I shrugged it of but It sends me into deep thoughts so I looked for it again in the song book and had it played again and this time, I am the one who sang it. Eh talagang swak samin! I mean sa past. Hindi ko lang alam kung napansin ba nya, pero kasi saming dalawa ako yung mas observant sa mga ganyang bagay noon or talagang masyado lang siguro akong conscious. We took a couple of photos as I requested and told him I will post them on my IG account. I even posted a video of us singing the song ‘when I was your man’ by Bruno Mars, together. Haha! How Ironic! We got to do things together na hindi naming ginawa dati when we are still together. And we enjoy doing things. Bat ganon?

I really, really never thought of this things will come. What I mean is, we didn’t end in a smooth way thou we actually did and doing it now slowly, the patching things up. We both are not good at verbal closure, given na iyon but somehow, nagagawa naman naming sya through chat kahit pakonti konti and I can say that we are good now. As I had said lately, we are more comfortable with each other than before. We’re like old friends that didn’t saw each other for a long time and so we are catching up things now. We  even talked about some sort of personal things like, having relationship with others thou we both don’t have one at the moment. He mentioned the girl he love and told me things about how he puts effort for her and such. Well, I have nothing felt against that kasi for me, doing things that would make your special someone happy is normal. Yes? And I find it weird whenever he will say, I do this and that for her that I didn’t do for you before. I mean, so what? I am not into those things naman. Ako naman kasi, kung hindi mo kayang gawin para sakin, okay lang. Lalo na kung hindi rin naman makakaabala or kung hindi naman talaga kailangan na kailangan. Hay nako sya, love sick sobra! We also talked about things na habang pinag-uusapan naming, ang nasa isip ko talaga ay, ‘why are we talking things like this anyway?’ At oo, pinag-uasapan talaga naming ang nakaraan naming! Like, seriously? Hahaha! But honestly speaking, I didn’t feel any weird feeling habang pinag-uusapan namin yon over our food. Parang normal lang na pag-usapan ung topic.

We really have this weird connection na siguro hindi na talaga mawawala kahit ano pang gawin naming iwas. That, pag kailangan ko sya, andyan sya. Though hindi naman nya kasi ako sinasabihan pag may mga dilemma sya sa buhay dahil may iba naman syang kaibigan. May kaibigan naman din ako, I have not that many but I have true friends, if you get what I mean. Pero kasi, I trust him with such things. Like when I feel stress or what or I have something in mind that I wanna talked about, alam kong masasabihan ko sya.

So, Engineer, thank you sa time! Pag-isipan mo yung plano ah, ang tagal kasi ng 5 years na maghihintay ka sa wala tyaka, alam mo naman diba? Nasabi ko na sayo kagabe. Haha! 

PS: thank you for not wearing your pabango. It meant a lot kasi nga sa allergies to sa mga bagay na scented.

-Niki 

Sus-pended 101

Hi! Its been what? Two or three months? Err.. I cant remember.

I’ll try to post more for the next 30 days and I promised that because I have nothing else to do for those said days as I am officially suspended from work starting today—err yesterday, November 13. It has something to do with the biggest ‘joke’ (mistake) I had done last September 20. ( Kung naaalala nyo pa.)

Question. Do I feel upset? Well of course but come to think of it, its just fine. Just like what I often say to people who are close tomewhen they have problems, Shit happens.

So later that afternoon, Sir J chat me saying,’wait for me at the conference’ and so I did. There he explaine to me whats and whys. Sa totoo lang, sa tatlong minutong meeting naming,yes you read it right. 3 minutes. Nakatingin lang ako ng deretcho sa mata nya and keep answering him, ‘yes sir’ and ‘okay sir’. I didn’t even asked anything or say something. Para saan pa ba? Eh nagdesisyon na din naman sila at ang magagawa ko lang naman ay making sa gusto nila at sumunod. So after that, I went back inside and gathered my things for effective immediately that day ang suspension ko. I will be back after a month (December 13) For the training. Again. The suspension had many more other ‘sanga’ but I didn’t mind at all. Money doesn’t measure my intelligence.

I will be missing my squad (#spg). Before I got home tonight I spend the night with them on a movie date. Hayyy.. nakakamiss naman talaga the girls. Now I know what Sepanx really feels.

Am I stress? Yes. And I think I need someone to talk about this too or maybe, someone to be with and wont ask me what happen. I am not a ‘paawa’ type of person. If something upsetting happened to me and you feel that I am really into being stress, all you have to do is join me walk around somewhere or just talk to me about other things kasi, kapag ready nako pag-usapan ang totoong problema, ako pa mismo yung mag oopen dun. I am such a cry baby. Hanggang hindi ako nakaka get over sa nangyari, iiyakan ko iyon whenever I got to remember it and I am not comfortable that people see me cry specially if you weren’t that close to me or I feel that you will just feel pitty for me. One of the things that I hate the most is being pitty-ed. Basta ayoko lang because I know to myself that I am okay, and if not, soon I will be. And I believe that whatever happens, it happened for a reason. And I don’t want to blame anyone for that.

To Ate Gen, Ate Jel, Danica, Jessabelles and Arra, thankyou for tonight. I really had fun! I will miss our funny convos in the middle of our duty. I appreciate everything we do together guys. You really made me happy today and everyday of course. I’ll see you in a month. Aldub you.

And to my Loves, Eunice, Juju, Clang, Karla and Carlhie, and Pepe, keep safe guys. Don’t worry I’ll be fine. You take care of yourselves. I love you guys..

PS: I know you will read this dahil hindi naman kita mablock ditto. Viber me asap. Nagpromise ka dib a? Na pwede kong ibuhos sayo yung galit ko kasi alam kong kilala mo ko?

-The suspended Niki

Torn between,..

Before my four days offs, I have so many plans on what would I be posting on this blog. Pero nakatatlong araw nako, walapa akong nagagawa! I am always torn between Blogging, Writing my story update on Watty and browsing my SMAs! Nakakainis pag, gusto mong kunin ang laptop kay Kuya pero tatamarin ka kasi nasa tabi mo lang si iPad at nang-iimbita si cellphone. >o<

I have this certain topic on my mind. But I am planning to do it nalang next day off ko which in on October 21 and 22. HAyyy… napaka tamad kong tao Lord!! As much as I want to post these random thoughts running inside my head, tinatamad ako,, huhuhu.. sorry.. A

-          -Niki

October 14th, 265 moths of me..

So, Hello there again!

Its October 16 today and ‘em on the third day of my four-days-off from work yay!! I decided to have this break for my birthday which is dated last Friday pa.

I don’t have that much for my birthday thought its one of the most memorable that I had since I don’t remember. Mama cooked for me, family and some relatives. I started my day at St.pio. I prayed and had some alone time there before I headed home here in Pampanga. My friends surprise me pa after naming mag out sa office. I was so shock that I literally cried because my heart did not stop beating na para bang inlove! Hahaha! Kidding aside, I was so touch for their efforts. I just feel bad that they have a friend like me whose not that consistent. What I mean is, I am really hard to handle sometimes. I easily get insecure, mad and such but still, I am thankful to have such friends like Eunice, Julie, Karla, Clarisse, Arra and Carlhie. And Oh! Don’t forget Pepe! Thank you Lord!!

Mama and Bok gave me gifts, and letters! Yay!! Before my birthday came, what I want to really receive is a letter. Though it may seems impossible dahil, napakakonting tao nalang yata ang nagbibigay ng cards ngayon at personalize letters. At iilan nalang ba ang tulad ko na lagi nagwi-wish na sana, may matanggap na letter sa birthday ko?

Here’s my Mama’s message for me :

Happy Birthday Nak!

Kahit lagi kang nagbubwisit saakin kapag umuuwi ka,love kita! Happy Birthday I love you! Wag kang mag-alala, mas love kita kesa sa ate mo.

-Mama

This is my first time to receive a letter from mama and I cried, again. Hehe. Im such a cry baby but that’s how I reacted talaga sa mga ganon! That letter was actually written in our native language in Pampanga which is Kapampangan. Trinanslate ko lang. 

I love you so much Mommy ko!! Kahit makulit ka, hindi kita pagpapalit kahit kanino.. 

PS: thank you Ninang Jazz for my favorite tuna carbonara.. 

-         - Niki the Birthday Girl

Comfort Song..

I had being listening to a particular song since last week. Ewan to ba, I find it so addicting. Hindi naman na ako nagtataka kasi random naman talaga ang choice ko sa music though I have a thing for OPMs. Para kasing, ang sarap magmahal eh, parang kahit matagal kang maghintay sa taong yon eh, nakapa worth it. Basta, this is my comfort song for now. I am listening to it as of the moment. Ako lang ba talaga ang ganito o meron pang ibang tao na kapag gusto ang isang kanta, paulit-ulit din pinapakinggan yung song? As in naka repeat sa mp3 para kapag tapos na, uulit sya mag-isa.? I am guilty on that. Old habits die hard. Hehe.. Here’s the song.. kayo na ang humusga! Basta ako, I fell inlove with it..

PS: yes, it was a song from the original Encantadia .. 

-NIKI

We are losing it..

Every day is a surprise. No one know what will happen tomorrow ‘till it come. People come and go. Some friends would stay and some would go away.

I am a person who’s not that easy to be with. If you want to be my friend, you have to deal with my worse version most of the time. But, if you do, I can promise you that I can stay with you as long as you want me to. It was like, if you accept me at my worst, you will surely have my best. Hindi ko mapili sa mga taong kinakaibigan ko, pero pinipili ko yung mga pinagkakatiwalaan ko.

Elementary. High Scholl. College.

My sets of close friends from Elementary to College are different. Ganito, iba ung close friends ko ng elementary, iba yung mga sa High School at iba din yung sa College. My Elementary Bffs  are my childhood friends, though we rarely see each other now, we make sure to keep in touch with each other. I really love these guys so much. My High School bffs are somehow different from my Elem Buddies but I don’t love them any less. And I miss getting along with them. It’s been a year since we last had our chitchat time. And my College Bffs. We are supposedly 5 in the Group but before our graduation, something came up and immaturity took over. There are just the three of us who remained ‘intact’. The ‘three of us’ are Me, Eunice and Julie. The three of us are good ‘till now. Or I guess??

Minsan ang friendship parang lovelife din pala. Nawawalan ng spark. *sigh

I don’t know when and how it started. We rarely talked. We don’t share secrets anymore. We even have our different sets of friends too. Their ‘brads’ and my ‘bessys’. We once talked (the three of us) and clear things out. It somehow worked naman, or so I thought. Pinipilit ko naman lumapit sa kanila eh, pinipilit kong ibalik yung date kahit alam kong iba na. May nawala na. May nasira na. There is this one time, while I was having a chitchat with one of them and the hangout chat pop-up suddenly. She immediately close it. Maybe she’s afraid I might see what’s in there, but the thing is, I saw the chat box already and it was named by the first letter of their names. Hindi ko alam kung gets nyo ba ko pero kasi, iba ung feeling. But then again, I just shrugged all the thoughts away.

What saddens me is the feeling of; we are (the three of us) close to losing it. What I mean is, the friendship we had. We are losing it. Or we already did? Hay… nothing last forever if we don’t want those things to last forever.

-Niki