Random 1.02 10/08/16

Rare times:

1. I feel genuinely happy.
2. I feel complete.
3. I feel secured.
4. I feel loved.
5. I feel needed.
6. I feel fine.
7. I feel well rested.
8. I feel important.
9. I feel fulfilled.
10. I feel … wanted.

Mostly:

1. I feel sad.
2. I am hurt.
3. I want to cry.
4. I want to go away.
5. I want to be alone.
6. I want silence.
7. I want to feel loved.
8. I want to be hug.
9. I want to feel secured.
10. I want to give in and sulk in loneliness.
11. I want to sleep so I won’t feel sad, hurt and lonely.
12. I feel the need to have someone where I can tell every single pain I am hiding.
13. I think of running away and never come back.

I wish:

1. To be happy.
2. To be love deeply.
3. To be accepted for whom I am really.
4. To have more love.
5. To be the most important person to someone.
6. I could just be me… all the time.

Someday:

1. All this pain would be ease.
2. I will be happy.. for real.
3. I can runaway and I will not hesitate anymore.
4. I will feel that I am worth to love, to cherish and to keep.
5. I will be free from hurt
6. There will be someone who will hold my hand and never let go of me no matter how hard it is to love me and no matter what the world will say.

Someday, I will not cry alone anymore. Because there will be someone who will cry with me when I am in pain. No matter how hard life can get, I will still be holding on to what the future will offer. It may not be now, but soon I know, everything will fall on their proper places and I will be happy. I will be free from pain and sadness.

Sobrang random ban g entry?? Wala feel ko lang talaga..

-Niki

Secret Dream..

Didnt I mention in this blog that I had this secret dream to be a writer? Iilan lang talaga ang nakaka-alam don kasi nga, secret! I had been writing stories since I was in grade six though I stopped when I enter high school. Later on college I decided to write again, and this time, hindi na sa notebook o grade 4 paper, sa wattpad na! hahaha!! I so love reading wattpad stories that's why I decided to gave writing a try. As of now, I already had 3 completed stories, 2 on-hold and 1 that is soon to be completed.

My current stories is about two people whom started because of the unintentional eavesdropping of the main character.I had been writing it for more than half a year now and I am currently writing its 38th chapter at malapit na syang matapos! Yehey!! Excited ako pero at the same time, it saddened me too for I will be bidding goodbye to the #FatedNicNiks so soon. :) Napaka habang delay na nga ng ending nila dahil kakaisip ko ng pwedeng twist na ipasok, But the main character are just too madly, deeply and crazy inlove with each other so, imagine the struggle habang pinipilut kong magalitr si Girl kay Boy kasi sobrang hirap! Napaka bait naman kasi ni Boy at sobrang love nya si Girl. And ending,walang magandang kinapupuntahan ang mga LQ nila dahil sila yung tipo na, away ngayon, bati na bukas. Ganon! Hindi naman din kasi ako ganon kagaling magsulat so, sinisimplehan ko lang din naman ang mga banat. Huhu... I will surely miss Mr. NDM and Mrs. NDM and of course, Willow a.k.a Baby Nicnik. Yesterday, I started to write the 37th chapter and it happened that this chapter is about their wedding. Sa sobrang Inlove ng mga character, masyado yatang napahaba ang wedding vows na nagawa ko. Specially the Boy's wedding vow na kaninang madaling araw ko lang natapos. Their vows are just so much to feel and I am happy for them..yiiiiih!

As much as I want to make this entry a little longer, I dont really feel good and I all I want to do is lay down to my bed and rest.

Ps: The title of the story I am talking about is Fated na may heart gawa sa less than 3. Ayan! Hanapin kung mahahanap! hahaha!<3 ako="" and="" characters.="" crush="" font="" for="" hahhaahha="" i="" imagine="" lead="" lol="" mag="" may="" my="" name="" paano="" s="" the="" used="">

Kung maka hahaha! naman ako akala mo walang problema! Eh, magtutuos na kami ni Sir bukas at wala akong kalaban laban. :( 

Dear Bes, ipag-pray mo naman na hindi ako maiyaki kasi isa sa pinaka ayaw ko ay ang napapagalitan. :(

-Niki

Dear Someone I am praying for..

I dont know if this is still right. To wait for you and to pray for you knowing that you are in love with someone else. 

I dont know when it really started. You were just like a random thought that cross my mind. Una talaga parang wala lang. Ni hindi nga ako na-hookagad sa charms mo though lagi na kitang nakikita since naging active ako sa mga social media accounts ko. Until one day, I saw my old self in your tweet. Hugot kung hugot eh! haha!! Since then lagi ko ng inaabangan ang mga post at tweets mo. I made sure to hit the like botton everytime you cross my newsfeed on tweeter, facebook and Instagram. 

I rarely get attracted to anyone kahit sobrang gwapo pa yan. So, consider yourself lucky dahil nasilo mo ang paningin kong choosy. hehe.. At this age of 22, turning 23 this coming October, mabibilang ko talaga sa mga daliri ko sa kamay kung ilan na nag naging crush ko simuula ng mauso ang pagkakaroon ng crush. Ewan ko ba pero totoo talaga yon. Napaka arte ko di ba? So ayun na nga.. Crush na kita. :) Ay wait! erase!. Mas tama yata yung, naging crush nakita kasi, iba na ngayon eh. Hindi na yata crush lang. But then again, let me emphasis the word "yata". hayyyy... 

1:100 lang naman ang probability na mabasa mo ito pero sana, sana talaga... mabasa ko kahit hindi mo naman din malalaman na para sayo ito unless, mag milagro ang langit at igrant ni Lord ang prayers ko. :) 

So, this one is for you..

Plain and simple, nothing special. I am living a simple life. We are living in a perfect opposite world. I grew up in a simple way having only what I need while you, I think you grew up having everything. 

As impossible as a thunder rain in the middle of the dessert in the afternoon. Thats how I describe our chances to meet each other. It feels like you we're too high to reach and too far to get close.

But Im still hoping for the most impossible thing that can happen. I am praying for you. I am wishing for the happily ever after with you and I am waiting for you. This might be the craziest thing I ever wish for but who knows??..

Dear Someone I am praying for,

Kapag hindi kayo nagwork, seryoso.. hanapin mo ko, sasagutin ko lahat ng bitter lines at hugot mo. Sasaluhin kita kahit gaano pa kabigat at kasakit yang mararamdaman mo at mamahalin kita sa paraang kaya ko..

Love,

Someone who's praying for you. :)

Ps: Pareho tayo ng letter name initials kapag walaang middle name .. NMD iba nga lang ng arrangement..

June 27, 2016 10:43pm

It should not! 101

*deep sigh*

Three years of being single is not a big deal. Well, it should not. At the moment, I can say that I am living the time of my life. A good Job, good friends, fancy clothes, gadgets and of course stronger faith. 

I am beyond happy and blessed. Aware naman ako na sobra sobra ang blessings sakin kaya hanggat maari ay sini-share ko. Lahat na yata ng mga bagay na dinasal ko at dinadasal ko, ibinigay na at binibigay ni Lord. Pero sabi nga ng isang rule sa economics, man can never be satisfied. Its was like, after having what you want, you will surely want to have more or if not, want to have something new. And I am a living proof. Yes, sobrang blessed ako na makuha lahat ng gusto ko ngayon. Sometimes, I am thinking of, ano pa nga ba ang gusto ko? Ano pa bang kulang? 

Everytime I pray, I always say thank you for everything kasi sobrang nakaka-overwhelm yung mga natatanggap ko. Siguro kasi hindi ako sanay na laging nakukuha ang gusto ko kaya ganon nalang talaga ako sobra nabibigla minsan, yung tipong today gusto ko ng bagong damit tapos kinabukasan nabili ko na yung damit, mga tipong ganon. Pero minsan, dumadating talaga ako dun sa point na, parang may kulang. Yung may gusto ako na wala pa ako.

Whenever I see an old friend na ka-age ko that already have their own family, I always feel something different. Inggit? I dont know. Its just so nakakainggit to see them caring a cute baby, having a family date and such. Minsan naiisip ko, ano kaya ang feeling? hayyyy...

Yes! I am ready to have that 'someone' in my life. Someone I can tell all my worries and angst in life, someone I can text I love yous, someone who can hold my hand, someone I can cry and laugh with, someone who can accept and love me true. That someone who will stay with me at my worse and whom I can give my best. That someone I can finally call mine... *sigh*

Just like what I had said on my previous entry, I am praying for a specific person. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung alam ba nyang nage-exist ako. Kelan ko nga lang din nalaman na inlove sya... sa iba! (sakit bhe!) Pero gaya ng sabi ko din, I dont want to rush things for I believe, right things will happen on their own perfect time and that is, in God's perfect time. And if that someone I am praying for is not the one for me, its okay. Because I know, there will be someone for me in the future. Someone who worth the wait.

Alam kong hindi ko kailangang magmadali. Hindi ko kailangang problemahin. At hindi ako dapat mainip. Mejo nakakalungkot lang at nakakainggit. I was surrounded by people who are so inlove . Lovers are all over my sight and that was just somehow frustrating. :( I admit, I dont find myself pretty. I dont even have that sexy body. Wala din ako ng tinatawag nilang appeal. PERO, I am a Degree holder. Sa ngayon yun lang naman ang meron ako. Mabait ako, hindi ako maarte, pinalaki ako ng tama ng parents ko, may tatlong side ako, si Niki na madaldal, si Niki na tahimik at si Niki na hindi ka gusto. Simpleng-simple lang talaga ako. I am living my life the way I want it to be. Hindi ko kailangang magkunwari para i-please ang ibang tao. At hindi talaga ako ligawin na tao. May pagka-judgemental din ako minsan at gusto kong i-work out ang ugali ko na yon. Dahil ako mismo naiinis don.

To that someone I am praying for, If ever you and the girl you love now will not work out, can you please... find me???.. 

尼科喜欢尼基 <3 b="">

hayyyy! so much for now. Tomorrow I'll try to post more. :) 

尼基塔美 :) 

June 27, 2016 12:24am

I am praying for you..

It is not a secret to you guys ( uhm, well its not if you are reading my blog since day 1 ) I am praying for that 'someone', I am praying and waiting for the right time, right things, right love and right man of course. 😍. Guilty as charge, I am one of those hindi kagandahan pero sobrang mapili. Pero sobra ba talaga?? Anyways, no-one's courting me at the moment. Hindi din naman kasi ako yung mga tipong ligawin, pag nga may nagpapalipad hangin sakin feeling ko naliligaw lang talaga sila ng landas! haha! Okay back on the topic, so as I was saying, I am praying and waiting. At the age of 20+, I still consider my self young and I shouldn't be worrying about having a boyfriend but, at somepoint I kinda feel pressure???

Again, its not a secret to you guys that I had been on a painful (ouch!) heartbreak. I invested so much feelings and all I got in the end is a broken heart. ☹️ That's way I promise myself that next time I will love someone, He will probably be my last. I dont wanna invest so much feelings and end up broken again. I wanted a more secure relationship. Yung tipong, kayang sakyan lahat moods ko na napakabilis magbago. hehe!  What I mean in 'secure' is, yung kayang panindigan na mahal ka, kayang suklian ang feelings/love (whatever they call it) na ibibigay mo, yung mahal ka nya dahil mahal ka nya hindi yung mahal ka nya kasi, sinasabi mo na mahal mo sya kaya dapat mahal ka din nya. (getching ba?) Yung taong lalaban kasama ka. Yung lagi mong ramdam na di ka mag-isa kasi,sa relatinship nyo hindi lang ikaw kasi kayong dalawa yon. hay.....

Masyado bang mahirap hanapin? Ang demanding ko ba? Ano ba kasing problema sakin??.☹️

Yes, I dont wanna rush things, sabi nga nila 'may tamang panahon para sa lahat ng bagay'. Believe me, I dont know why I feel pressured and worried at the same time. Im still young and I have all the time to enjoy my single life with my friends but deyyym, cant help it! Maybe one reason is that, I am surrounded by lovebirds! From the bus seats, foot bridge, fast food chains, facebook, IG, and twitter, lovers are everywhere! I mean, I love you here, I love you there, Yakap here, HHWW there, lambingan everywhere! My goodness! Sinong hindi mape-pressure pag buong mundo na yata ang pumi-pressure sayo??! This has been my life dillema this past few months, everytime I pray and give thanks to Lordie and St.Pio, I secretly ask them a little wish for myself. Like what I had said before, not everytime I pray, I asked something for myself. Most of the time, I pray to give thanks and wish/pray for my family, friends and to those someone I know who are in need of guidance. But since the day I realize about this so called 'dillema' I started to pray for the 'right' one.

 

Its been 1-2 months since I started to ask/wish ( tama ba ang term?..) Lordie and St. Pio. I am praying for the right one to come. (Alam mo yung feeling na G na G kana pero wala pa kasi talaga?) But still, I am willing to wait though masyado ko ng kinukulit talaga si Lord at St.Pio. Ayoko naman na sa kamamadali ko, eh, sa maling tao nanaman ako mapunta kasi nga, forever na sana ang gusto ko next time di ba? Kaya, pray-pray lang ako ng mabuti. hehe. 

Here's the real catch of this entry, I had a crush to someone. We'll I am very choosy, kahit gwapo pa yan,pag hindi ko gusto ng vibes nya, kahit sing bait yan ng lahat ng anghel sa langit, hindi ko parin gusto. But this man really got me straight to the heart. Wait, Heart?! Does it even possible to love someone who doesnt even know your existance?? Awww... my heart.... why???😭😭😭 huhuhu .. Yes, I am praying for that certain man, I am praying and waiting for answers. Answers to my prayers if he is the one I am waiting and praying for. Pero sana, sya nalang talaga.

PS: myloves,baby,babe ( that's how I address him whenever I saw him on twitter or I wanna tweet something for him, pero di ko sya minemention.) I know I am not the only one who's praying to be the one destined for you but I want you to know that, I am praying for you ☺️ , im waiting for you 😊, and my heart is ready..for you. 😍 ayiiiih. 😘 I may not know you personally and I may not know many thing about you, I am sure in one thing, I can take care of you, I can cook for you, I can laugh with you, I can cry with you, I can be crazy with you, I can love you. Just be happy with me and my heart is yours to keep. Foreves. ❤️ #FatedNM

-wishful Niki.. 😊

My 2016 Bucket List..

I had been wanting to post my 2016 bucket list here in my blog but I cant find time because Im feeling too lazy for the past month. Yung, ang dami kong gusto at dapat gawin pero hindi ko maumpisahan kasi nga, nakakashumad! haha!

So its April 2 today and I kinda feel lazy again ( walang bago don!) but I should do something productive!

And the fourth month of 2016 just started yesterday. How was the first three months goes? Ang bilis di ba?  And how did you spent the Holy Weak? Well me, I choose to be productive, pasok kahit holiday ganern! Last Maundy Thursday, I went to St. Pio and bought a rosary bracelet and a miraculous medallion. I prayed and the end. hehe.

And so again, today I'll share my 2016 bucket list here. I have a long list but I am hoping to do all of them before 2016 ends. 

Bucket List for 2016:

1. Learn to Pray the Rosary. ( huhuhu, I realize that I need that. Its such a shame that at the age of 20+ something I still dont know how to pray the Rosary.)

2. Visit 10 Church that I haven't ever visited yet in my whole life. (That's why I really need to practice my rosary ASAP so I can pray it to the 10 Church that I'm planning to Visit this year. One more thing is, if I got lucky to visit Ten Church this year, It is a sign that I am totally healed from my past heartbreak.)

3. Have a proper closure with David. ( I really dont have any idea on what a proper closure is. It was like, Paano? Anong gagawin namin? Anong sasabihin ko? Ano pang dapat nyang sabihin? Kailangan pa ba talaga? Though I think kailangan talaga yon at iyon nalang ang kulang samin. we're in good terms sometimes wag lang sumpungin ng topak ang isa sa amin. But seriously, David and I need it. And I am more ready, sya kaya?)

4. Have a short vacation in Baguio City with my family. ( Baguio's my favorite place on Earth though I don't know much about the place. I've been there twice and it really got me. Pine trees, cold weather, wonderful spots, ugh! I really want to go back there this year with my family though the longest stay we could have is two days, one night because of my job and that's so sad. huhuhu. Oh, and one more thing, my Loving Parents will be celebrating their 26th Anniversary on May 13th so, even if I am planning to push our Baguio Vacation by the end of May, I will be hitting two birds in one stone. A vacation and their Anniversary celebration in Baguio. How great is that?)

5. Visit Our Lady of Manaoag Shrine. ( Though I regularly visit and gave thanks at St. Pio, I have this feeling of obligation to Visit Our Lady of Manaoag Shrine in Pangasinan. I want it to be my 'Yearly Devotion' since I graduated college. It started before my Sophomore days in College as well.)

6. Have my first visit at Monasterio De Tarlac. (Tita Baby, Daddy's eldest sister mentioned the place to me one time when I was talking to Dad and asking him if we could visit OLMS again this year. And since I havent been in the place, I want to pay a visit there too this year, and since I havent been there, I am hitting two birds in one stone again. First, I will be visiting the place and second, I can include MDT to my list of ten churches to visit. yay!!)

7. Have a bonding with my High School Bestfriends, RM, KJ and Ivielyn. ( Its been awhile and I miss them. Sana talaga magka time. :(  )

8. Have a date with my college Bestfriends. ( Just the three of us. I mean, after our graduation, we hardly bond and I think 2016 is a good year to catch up things we missed. The three of us are working in the same company but really, we hardly see each  other because of our shifts and Off days scheds. )

9. Go to Tagaytay with Eunice, Julie, Arra, Clarisse, Karla and Carlhie. ( Its been a year and magagawan na natin ng paraan. :) )

10. Donate Blood. ( I really want to experience blood donation and Im hoping to experince that this 2016.)

11. Have my room renovated before my Birthday. ( yasss!. I still have 6 months before October!.)

12. Buy myself an Instax Cam. ( I love taking pictures and I badly want to have an Instax because..... Because... Because I want to and I hope Dad would let me. *cross fingers ) (Ps. I want an Hello Kitty Head shape Instax. )

13. Have a Pandora Charm Bracelet on my 2...th Birthday this coming October. ( I really dont want to buy one for me though I want to have one. I want this as a gift from someone but I think, no one will buy one for me so, emma need to buy myself nalang talaga.)

14. Have my passport. ( Im afraid of riding a plane but, I wanna try to have my first ride sana this year so, I'll take it slow and start it by having my Passport. Though I want my first plane ride a Domestic Flight. *insert winking emoji here. )

15. Write a blog entry about my dream wedding. (whenever  I see my niece yukiMeng, I always think of what would be my first baby will look like? What would my future husband be like? Are we gonna have a church wedding or a civil wedding? Will I cry on our wedding day? Those kind of stuff  keeps crossing my mind sometimes. So I want to write some of my dream wedding idea.)

16. Have a date with someone at St.Pio. ( I hope this would happen later this year. And this time I want to start and make things the right way so, Whoever you are, I want our first date to be with St.Pio and Lordie. :) )

There goes my 2016 Bucket List and I am hoping and praying to accomplish them all. Sa hinaba haba ng listahan ko, wala pa yata akong nagagawa kahit isa! Jusko April na! huhuhu, so umpisahan ko na ha? Bukas promise. :)

I'll keep my blog posted about my Bucket List's progress. :)

Yours,

Lazy Niki :)

Letting Go...

What is the difference between moving on and letting go?.. 

If I would be asked to define 'moving on' I would say its more about life changing part, Its a process where you let your self go on with your life alone. It's more about going back into your life track before getting involved in a relationship. I'm not saying that moving on is easy, we all know it's not. Been there, done that. But it's something that we should do in order to live a normal life and stop being miserable after having a painful heartbreak. 

While 'Letting Go' is more on feelings. After crying a pool of tears every night and every single day, starving yourself, listening to your heartbreak songs, making yourself miserable and such. This is the stage where you finally get over on all the pain you had gone through, it's the time where you realize and accept that everything happens for a reason. Lemme say, you finally let go of everything when you finally got yourself back on track, it's when you feel happy because there's so many reasons to be happy than to feel sad and lonely just because something happened the way you didn't want them to be. Do you get me?

I wanna share the feeling that I have now. After a long time of holding on to the feelings that I thought would last forever, after crying a river, after a bloody fight on the moving on stage and after realizing that life has so much to offer, finally.. I can finally say that, I had moved on and I am letting all the feelings go. The pain of heartbreak, endless sentiments, regrets and hatreds.

Moving on is hard but after you had done on this part and let go of everything that brought pain to you, after accepting everything, you'll next have the best feeling. The feeling of facing life with a new you, a new life and a new heart that is strong and courageous. 

God has better plans for me than I do and I believe that he's working on the best love story for me. It may not be the perfect love story I dreamed of ever since but I know, the love story that he prepares for me is worth the wait. 

PS: Dear Future someone who's destined for me, I am looking forward to meet you soon. :) I can't promise not to hurt you, but I can assure you that I will take good care of you and I will love you true. So, see you soon?..

PPS: Pinag-p-pray kita kaya sana, iba ka na talaga. Aldub you!.