You know me better

Hi! Its been awhile since I post an entry. Tonight is not different from the other night that I didnt have time to post but, while Im on my way hime lately, from Manila to Pampanga, I am having these thoughts about my bestfriend. Maybe because at times like this, I know that no matter how petty nor serious the circumstances is, I have her. I can tell her. I cry to her. So, I dont want to let this pass.

I am feeling so upset since yesterday night, to the extent that I cried because I am 'deeply' sad, mad and I guess, Angry. I wont say the reason why though. As I am contemplating things in my mind last night, I sent my bestfriend (Eunice) a text message because she has this thing that can make me calm everytime. I asked her first if I can sleep in her bed and she replied, 'oo naman, dyan ka muna.' I didnt told her anything yet but I dont know why she automatically asked, 'Nak, are you okay?' ( we fondly call each other 'Nak' since the day we first met  college. ). I asked her somethings that I know, she knew better about me. She knew me more than my other bestfriends do. Again, she knew the right words to say.

I posted an entry here about her way way back, and I am posting this entry again for her because I suddenly feel the need to. 

Things arent gone so smooth in our friendship for the past month. We had issues and misunderstndings. We barely talk and see each other even though we are working in the same company and living in the same place. We argue. I say mean things to you. We fixed things. And we are trying to make the friendship we have better though there are times that I really feel that we are indeed slipping away.

Later this after noon, and after reading that chats countless of time today, I texted her and told her about what upsets me. (she's like that, if I am not ready to tell things to her, she wont barged me, she'll wait till I am ready to tell her.) My eyes got teary and I sniffed a couple of times while composing my text message to her. I felt so worked up with so much thoughts of 'what and whys'. Again, she knows the right words to make me calm. 

My bestfriend is far from perfect. She really is annoying specially his past few months. I got really mad at her sometimes. But just like the old times, she stands firm on the friendship we built together way back in college.

Eunice, I know I am hard to handle 95% all the time. I am moody and brat and everything else in between but I didnt hear you complain a bit. Maybe, you know that I am like that even before we call each other bestfriends. I got mad at you without reason, I got annoyed at you, I bashed you, I tell things to you straight to the point even I know sometimes it will hurt you, and Im sorry for that. Lately, when I saw you, I really wanted to hug you and cry and tell you how upset and hurt I am. Because I know, you will understand. I know you can make me feel better. I miss those times when we were in College and we are living in a dormitory, I am nursing a brokenheart that time. No matter how busy you are with your dinner (you favorite part of the night, dinner time.) you will still go to the room and leave your food behind when you heard me cry. Sit nor lay beside me and comfort me. 

We are not the same clingy and inseparable bestfriends that we used to be. We are indeed growing apart having our new set of friends and bestfriends. But I want you to know that, I love you just the same. And that I am greatful to have you. And that, no matter how mad I can get, how annoying you can be, you will always be special to me. Thank you for not letting go of my hand even I am too much to handle at times. 

And just like what you said, I shouldnt minding what people will tell about me. And I come to realized, yet again, that you are right. I shouldnt care what they think of me over circumstances, as long as I know myself. Thank you for lifting me when I am down to nothing but my insecurities. I dont care what people will think of me, I should stop thinking about that, because I know that there is someone who know 'me' better and that is you. I love you time one hundred! 😘😇

-Niki 😊

It felt normal and fun..

Hello there!

It’s November 16 to day and I don’t have any plans to do- yet. Mama woke me u early lately to look over the viand she’s cooking. I’m betting bored and I need to do something to ease this thing ugh!  Syempre hindi nako sanay ng ganito, pahinga pahinga lang! Id only I can go to the mall every single day of this suspension thingy, I would do so!

Yesterday I got there actually. I arrived around past 3pm and got myself a venti cup of Caffe’ Mocha, its not my usual but I just want to, for a change. I waited for David and he arrived around 4pm.

Yes, I am with Davis yesterday. We walked around the mall and talked random things. I don’t know why, all of a sudden we’re so comfortable with each other. What I mean is, date kasi parang ang awkward. Err, I suddenly realized that I am right all along. That the two of us are better off friends. We spent one hour at the videoke hub and sang random songs. And then again, I find it weird thou hindi ko alam kung bakit eh. There is this one song I made him sing, ‘All or Nothing’ by O-Town. While he sing, I was actually singing with him without a mic. Basta sinasabayan ko lang sya kasi feeling ko talaga ah, ayaw sakin ng Mic! Feeling ko sinasabotahe ako ng Mic sa mga videokehan eh. Going back, while singing, I realized that, that song is kinda fitting in in our past. I shrugged it of but It sends me into deep thoughts so I looked for it again in the song book and had it played again and this time, I am the one who sang it. Eh talagang swak samin! I mean sa past. Hindi ko lang alam kung napansin ba nya, pero kasi saming dalawa ako yung mas observant sa mga ganyang bagay noon or talagang masyado lang siguro akong conscious. We took a couple of photos as I requested and told him I will post them on my IG account. I even posted a video of us singing the song ‘when I was your man’ by Bruno Mars, together. Haha! How Ironic! We got to do things together na hindi naming ginawa dati when we are still together. And we enjoy doing things. Bat ganon?

I really, really never thought of this things will come. What I mean is, we didn’t end in a smooth way thou we actually did and doing it now slowly, the patching things up. We both are not good at verbal closure, given na iyon but somehow, nagagawa naman naming sya through chat kahit pakonti konti and I can say that we are good now. As I had said lately, we are more comfortable with each other than before. We’re like old friends that didn’t saw each other for a long time and so we are catching up things now. We  even talked about some sort of personal things like, having relationship with others thou we both don’t have one at the moment. He mentioned the girl he love and told me things about how he puts effort for her and such. Well, I have nothing felt against that kasi for me, doing things that would make your special someone happy is normal. Yes? And I find it weird whenever he will say, I do this and that for her that I didn’t do for you before. I mean, so what? I am not into those things naman. Ako naman kasi, kung hindi mo kayang gawin para sakin, okay lang. Lalo na kung hindi rin naman makakaabala or kung hindi naman talaga kailangan na kailangan. Hay nako sya, love sick sobra! We also talked about things na habang pinag-uusapan naming, ang nasa isip ko talaga ay, ‘why are we talking things like this anyway?’ At oo, pinag-uasapan talaga naming ang nakaraan naming! Like, seriously? Hahaha! But honestly speaking, I didn’t feel any weird feeling habang pinag-uusapan namin yon over our food. Parang normal lang na pag-usapan ung topic.

We really have this weird connection na siguro hindi na talaga mawawala kahit ano pang gawin naming iwas. That, pag kailangan ko sya, andyan sya. Though hindi naman nya kasi ako sinasabihan pag may mga dilemma sya sa buhay dahil may iba naman syang kaibigan. May kaibigan naman din ako, I have not that many but I have true friends, if you get what I mean. Pero kasi, I trust him with such things. Like when I feel stress or what or I have something in mind that I wanna talked about, alam kong masasabihan ko sya.

So, Engineer, thank you sa time! Pag-isipan mo yung plano ah, ang tagal kasi ng 5 years na maghihintay ka sa wala tyaka, alam mo naman diba? Nasabi ko na sayo kagabe. Haha! 

PS: thank you for not wearing your pabango. It meant a lot kasi nga sa allergies to sa mga bagay na scented.

-Niki 

Sus-pended 101

Hi! Its been what? Two or three months? Err.. I cant remember.

I’ll try to post more for the next 30 days and I promised that because I have nothing else to do for those said days as I am officially suspended from work starting today—err yesterday, November 13. It has something to do with the biggest ‘joke’ (mistake) I had done last September 20. ( Kung naaalala nyo pa.)

Question. Do I feel upset? Well of course but come to think of it, its just fine. Just like what I often say to people who are close tomewhen they have problems, Shit happens.

So later that afternoon, Sir J chat me saying,’wait for me at the conference’ and so I did. There he explaine to me whats and whys. Sa totoo lang, sa tatlong minutong meeting naming,yes you read it right. 3 minutes. Nakatingin lang ako ng deretcho sa mata nya and keep answering him, ‘yes sir’ and ‘okay sir’. I didn’t even asked anything or say something. Para saan pa ba? Eh nagdesisyon na din naman sila at ang magagawa ko lang naman ay making sa gusto nila at sumunod. So after that, I went back inside and gathered my things for effective immediately that day ang suspension ko. I will be back after a month (December 13) For the training. Again. The suspension had many more other ‘sanga’ but I didn’t mind at all. Money doesn’t measure my intelligence.

I will be missing my squad (#spg). Before I got home tonight I spend the night with them on a movie date. Hayyy.. nakakamiss naman talaga the girls. Now I know what Sepanx really feels.

Am I stress? Yes. And I think I need someone to talk about this too or maybe, someone to be with and wont ask me what happen. I am not a ‘paawa’ type of person. If something upsetting happened to me and you feel that I am really into being stress, all you have to do is join me walk around somewhere or just talk to me about other things kasi, kapag ready nako pag-usapan ang totoong problema, ako pa mismo yung mag oopen dun. I am such a cry baby. Hanggang hindi ako nakaka get over sa nangyari, iiyakan ko iyon whenever I got to remember it and I am not comfortable that people see me cry specially if you weren’t that close to me or I feel that you will just feel pitty for me. One of the things that I hate the most is being pitty-ed. Basta ayoko lang because I know to myself that I am okay, and if not, soon I will be. And I believe that whatever happens, it happened for a reason. And I don’t want to blame anyone for that.

To Ate Gen, Ate Jel, Danica, Jessabelles and Arra, thankyou for tonight. I really had fun! I will miss our funny convos in the middle of our duty. I appreciate everything we do together guys. You really made me happy today and everyday of course. I’ll see you in a month. Aldub you.

And to my Loves, Eunice, Juju, Clang, Karla and Carlhie, and Pepe, keep safe guys. Don’t worry I’ll be fine. You take care of yourselves. I love you guys..

PS: I know you will read this dahil hindi naman kita mablock ditto. Viber me asap. Nagpromise ka dib a? Na pwede kong ibuhos sayo yung galit ko kasi alam kong kilala mo ko?

-The suspended Niki

October 14th, 265 moths of me..

So, Hello there again!

Its October 16 today and ‘em on the third day of my four-days-off from work yay!! I decided to have this break for my birthday which is dated last Friday pa.

I don’t have that much for my birthday thought its one of the most memorable that I had since I don’t remember. Mama cooked for me, family and some relatives. I started my day at St.pio. I prayed and had some alone time there before I headed home here in Pampanga. My friends surprise me pa after naming mag out sa office. I was so shock that I literally cried because my heart did not stop beating na para bang inlove! Hahaha! Kidding aside, I was so touch for their efforts. I just feel bad that they have a friend like me whose not that consistent. What I mean is, I am really hard to handle sometimes. I easily get insecure, mad and such but still, I am thankful to have such friends like Eunice, Julie, Karla, Clarisse, Arra and Carlhie. And Oh! Don’t forget Pepe! Thank you Lord!!

Mama and Bok gave me gifts, and letters! Yay!! Before my birthday came, what I want to really receive is a letter. Though it may seems impossible dahil, napakakonting tao nalang yata ang nagbibigay ng cards ngayon at personalize letters. At iilan nalang ba ang tulad ko na lagi nagwi-wish na sana, may matanggap na letter sa birthday ko?

Here’s my Mama’s message for me :

Happy Birthday Nak!

Kahit lagi kang nagbubwisit saakin kapag umuuwi ka,love kita! Happy Birthday I love you! Wag kang mag-alala, mas love kita kesa sa ate mo.

-Mama

This is my first time to receive a letter from mama and I cried, again. Hehe. Im such a cry baby but that’s how I reacted talaga sa mga ganon! That letter was actually written in our native language in Pampanga which is Kapampangan. Trinanslate ko lang. 

I love you so much Mommy ko!! Kahit makulit ka, hindi kita pagpapalit kahit kanino.. 

PS: thank you Ninang Jazz for my favorite tuna carbonara.. 

-         - Niki the Birthday Girl

Comfort Song..

I had being listening to a particular song since last week. Ewan to ba, I find it so addicting. Hindi naman na ako nagtataka kasi random naman talaga ang choice ko sa music though I have a thing for OPMs. Para kasing, ang sarap magmahal eh, parang kahit matagal kang maghintay sa taong yon eh, nakapa worth it. Basta, this is my comfort song for now. I am listening to it as of the moment. Ako lang ba talaga ang ganito o meron pang ibang tao na kapag gusto ang isang kanta, paulit-ulit din pinapakinggan yung song? As in naka repeat sa mp3 para kapag tapos na, uulit sya mag-isa.? I am guilty on that. Old habits die hard. Hehe.. Here’s the song.. kayo na ang humusga! Basta ako, I fell inlove with it..

PS: yes, it was a song from the original Encantadia .. 

-NIKI

Random 1.02 10/08/16

Rare times:

1. I feel genuinely happy.
2. I feel complete.
3. I feel secured.
4. I feel loved.
5. I feel needed.
6. I feel fine.
7. I feel well rested.
8. I feel important.
9. I feel fulfilled.
10. I feel … wanted.

Mostly:

1. I feel sad.
2. I am hurt.
3. I want to cry.
4. I want to go away.
5. I want to be alone.
6. I want silence.
7. I want to feel loved.
8. I want to be hug.
9. I want to feel secured.
10. I want to give in and sulk in loneliness.
11. I want to sleep so I won’t feel sad, hurt and lonely.
12. I feel the need to have someone where I can tell every single pain I am hiding.
13. I think of running away and never come back.

I wish:

1. To be happy.
2. To be love deeply.
3. To be accepted for whom I am really.
4. To have more love.
5. To be the most important person to someone.
6. I could just be me… all the time.

Someday:

1. All this pain would be ease.
2. I will be happy.. for real.
3. I can runaway and I will not hesitate anymore.
4. I will feel that I am worth to love, to cherish and to keep.
5. I will be free from hurt
6. There will be someone who will hold my hand and never let go of me no matter how hard it is to love me and no matter what the world will say.

Someday, I will not cry alone anymore. Because there will be someone who will cry with me when I am in pain. No matter how hard life can get, I will still be holding on to what the future will offer. It may not be now, but soon I know, everything will fall on their proper places and I will be happy. I will be free from pain and sadness.

Sobrang random ban g entry?? Wala feel ko lang talaga..

-Niki

Secret Dream..

Didnt I mention in this blog that I had this secret dream to be a writer? Iilan lang talaga ang nakaka-alam don kasi nga, secret! I had been writing stories since I was in grade six though I stopped when I enter high school. Later on college I decided to write again, and this time, hindi na sa notebook o grade 4 paper, sa wattpad na! hahaha!! I so love reading wattpad stories that's why I decided to gave writing a try. As of now, I already had 3 completed stories, 2 on-hold and 1 that is soon to be completed.

My current stories is about two people whom started because of the unintentional eavesdropping of the main character.I had been writing it for more than half a year now and I am currently writing its 38th chapter at malapit na syang matapos! Yehey!! Excited ako pero at the same time, it saddened me too for I will be bidding goodbye to the #FatedNicNiks so soon. :) Napaka habang delay na nga ng ending nila dahil kakaisip ko ng pwedeng twist na ipasok, But the main character are just too madly, deeply and crazy inlove with each other so, imagine the struggle habang pinipilut kong magalitr si Girl kay Boy kasi sobrang hirap! Napaka bait naman kasi ni Boy at sobrang love nya si Girl. And ending,walang magandang kinapupuntahan ang mga LQ nila dahil sila yung tipo na, away ngayon, bati na bukas. Ganon! Hindi naman din kasi ako ganon kagaling magsulat so, sinisimplehan ko lang din naman ang mga banat. Huhu... I will surely miss Mr. NDM and Mrs. NDM and of course, Willow a.k.a Baby Nicnik. Yesterday, I started to write the 37th chapter and it happened that this chapter is about their wedding. Sa sobrang Inlove ng mga character, masyado yatang napahaba ang wedding vows na nagawa ko. Specially the Boy's wedding vow na kaninang madaling araw ko lang natapos. Their vows are just so much to feel and I am happy for them..yiiiiih!

As much as I want to make this entry a little longer, I dont really feel good and I all I want to do is lay down to my bed and rest.

Ps: The title of the story I am talking about is Fated na may heart gawa sa less than 3. Ayan! Hanapin kung mahahanap! hahaha!<3 ako="" and="" characters.="" crush="" font="" for="" hahhaahha="" i="" imagine="" lead="" lol="" mag="" may="" my="" name="" paano="" s="" the="" used="">

Kung maka hahaha! naman ako akala mo walang problema! Eh, magtutuos na kami ni Sir bukas at wala akong kalaban laban. :( 

Dear Bes, ipag-pray mo naman na hindi ako maiyaki kasi isa sa pinaka ayaw ko ay ang napapagalitan. :(

-Niki

Stressssss... #plural

Nagugutom nako pero wala pang kanin!! L

Hello! J I’ve been sa busy this past few days. Ay no! scratch that, I’ve been so busy thus past few months since I got “promoted” to the payment department. (insert deep sigh here) This so called promotion is stressing me so much! Mabuti nalang talaga at napaka tyaka ng nagtuturo atnag ga-guide saakin dahil as in super! OA na kung OA pero hindi ko talaga maenjoy ang trabaho! Jusko! Feeling ko hindi ako tatagal dahil sa araw araw na ginawang Diyos, kinukulit ko sya na sana mairaos ko ang isang araw. Grabe! L nalulungkot talaga ako pero wala akong magagawa. Kailangan kong magtrabaho dahil hindi naman kami mayaman at nag-aaral pa ang kapatid ko. L

Stress,

Nikita Mae :(

It should not! 101

*deep sigh*

Three years of being single is not a big deal. Well, it should not. At the moment, I can say that I am living the time of my life. A good Job, good friends, fancy clothes, gadgets and of course stronger faith. 

I am beyond happy and blessed. Aware naman ako na sobra sobra ang blessings sakin kaya hanggat maari ay sini-share ko. Lahat na yata ng mga bagay na dinasal ko at dinadasal ko, ibinigay na at binibigay ni Lord. Pero sabi nga ng isang rule sa economics, man can never be satisfied. Its was like, after having what you want, you will surely want to have more or if not, want to have something new. And I am a living proof. Yes, sobrang blessed ako na makuha lahat ng gusto ko ngayon. Sometimes, I am thinking of, ano pa nga ba ang gusto ko? Ano pa bang kulang? 

Everytime I pray, I always say thank you for everything kasi sobrang nakaka-overwhelm yung mga natatanggap ko. Siguro kasi hindi ako sanay na laging nakukuha ang gusto ko kaya ganon nalang talaga ako sobra nabibigla minsan, yung tipong today gusto ko ng bagong damit tapos kinabukasan nabili ko na yung damit, mga tipong ganon. Pero minsan, dumadating talaga ako dun sa point na, parang may kulang. Yung may gusto ako na wala pa ako.

Whenever I see an old friend na ka-age ko that already have their own family, I always feel something different. Inggit? I dont know. Its just so nakakainggit to see them caring a cute baby, having a family date and such. Minsan naiisip ko, ano kaya ang feeling? hayyyy...

Yes! I am ready to have that 'someone' in my life. Someone I can tell all my worries and angst in life, someone I can text I love yous, someone who can hold my hand, someone I can cry and laugh with, someone who can accept and love me true. That someone who will stay with me at my worse and whom I can give my best. That someone I can finally call mine... *sigh*

Just like what I had said on my previous entry, I am praying for a specific person. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung alam ba nyang nage-exist ako. Kelan ko nga lang din nalaman na inlove sya... sa iba! (sakit bhe!) Pero gaya ng sabi ko din, I dont want to rush things for I believe, right things will happen on their own perfect time and that is, in God's perfect time. And if that someone I am praying for is not the one for me, its okay. Because I know, there will be someone for me in the future. Someone who worth the wait.

Alam kong hindi ko kailangang magmadali. Hindi ko kailangang problemahin. At hindi ako dapat mainip. Mejo nakakalungkot lang at nakakainggit. I was surrounded by people who are so inlove . Lovers are all over my sight and that was just somehow frustrating. :( I admit, I dont find myself pretty. I dont even have that sexy body. Wala din ako ng tinatawag nilang appeal. PERO, I am a Degree holder. Sa ngayon yun lang naman ang meron ako. Mabait ako, hindi ako maarte, pinalaki ako ng tama ng parents ko, may tatlong side ako, si Niki na madaldal, si Niki na tahimik at si Niki na hindi ka gusto. Simpleng-simple lang talaga ako. I am living my life the way I want it to be. Hindi ko kailangang magkunwari para i-please ang ibang tao. At hindi talaga ako ligawin na tao. May pagka-judgemental din ako minsan at gusto kong i-work out ang ugali ko na yon. Dahil ako mismo naiinis don.

To that someone I am praying for, If ever you and the girl you love now will not work out, can you please... find me???.. 

尼科喜欢尼基 <3 b="">

hayyyy! so much for now. Tomorrow I'll try to post more. :) 

尼基塔美 :) 

June 27, 2016 12:24am

Rant 101

Its not that Im complaining. 'Lemme just let it out here since I cant really tell it all personally because they might be offended. I am really fond of my niece and I find here so addicting and irresistible but you know the feeling of, ugh.. I dont know how to say it! 

My new past time in the office is online shopping. Shems yes! ONLINE! ( shopee, Lazada, olx! ) Aside from bags and clothes, I also check the baby's stuffs and everything are just so adorable and I want to buy them all for my niece. Whenever my sister ask me to buy this and that for my niece, I really find it hard to say NO! I dont know why I cant say know to her when in fact we didnt grow up that close. Sabi ko nga di ba? Nung mga bubwit palang kami hanggang sa magkaisip, may kanya kanya kaming mundong apat. We all dont share the same interests in all things. Feeling ko nga sobrang opposite kaming apat. And me and my ate are just so ugh! Hindi talaga kami magkasundo. As in we always clash! And I dont know why. Basta ang alam ko, ayaw nya sakin at ako naman kasi yung taong, kung ayaw mo sakin, mas ayaw ko sayo. 

So here's the thing. Since she got married I notice that we ( kaming apat na magkakapatid) are kinda grow up some more. What I mean is, nabawasan ng very light ang pagiging immature namin. maybe because seeing ate getting married make us realize that we are not really getting any younger. (well, thats on my side, ewan ko lang sa kuya ko at sa youngest sister namin). One thing I dont like is that, I find ate so lazy to find a job. Among us four, she is the one who is more educated. Yun talaga ang pinaniniwalaan ko kahit Degree holder ako at College graduate naman sya. She was enrolled in a Catholic School ever since she started her Student journey. From Nursery-Fourth year High School. Kaming tatlo naman, ay proud product ng Elementary School at Public High School hanggang College. I am not complaining though. I love how the Public School molded me. Because I am proud that I am employed 4 days after my college graduation! haha!. Going back, as I was saying, ate dont have a job so as her husband. Her in-laws and our parents are supporting them and the needs of my niece, their daughter. ( oh I forgot, she's a two year course graduate.) 

It irritates me whenever my mom brag me and as for something like, can you buy this, buy that and that and that for my niece. I once answered her, "kung anolang yung gustong bilhin para kay baby yun lang ang bibilhin ko." Not that I dont want to help or buy nice things for my niece but, i think we are giving too much?? Kase parang nakakalimutan ng kapatid ko na responsibilidad nila yon at hindi namin. Even my Dad is so addicted to the point na hindi nya talaga matiis hindi bigyan. My younger sister even told me once that the money I gave dad for his medicines and fruits are used to buy milk and diaper for my niece! I was like, wow! Why the hell in this world this is happening??  Nakakainis lang kasi talaga minsan. Yung bakit kasi ganyan? hay ewan ko ba! Lately, while we are preparing for Bella's birthday, my tita's are teasing me to save money for my niece's coming birthday this October. first I was just shrugging off and laugh at them pero nung paulit ulit na, I told them, mag-aasawa nako! ( this mag-aasawa nako has something to do with my next entry later. :) ). Para lang matigil sila. Like, what the?? Bakit naman nila sakin sinasabi yon eh hamak na tita lang naman ako. Yeah I know, they are telling me that because I am the one who have a job. And they know that sa panahon na kailangan, pwede nila akong tawagan. Pero di ba? Ang wifi nga namin sa bahay may limit, ako pa kaya? Ayoko lang kasi na umasa sila. October is my birth month and I want to have something new this year. So If I am saving for October, its for my birthday. 

Really, I dont want you guys to think that I am complaining. I am so blessed with so much thats why I want to share it to my family. Kung kakayanin nga lang eh, gusto ko din ito ishare sa extended family ko. Hayyyyy... 

Lord, please enlighten me. :(

love, 

Niki..

June 26,2016 11:13pm